anaisonfire (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
anaisonfire) wrote2022-04-12 12:07 am
anaisonfire) wrote2022-04-12 12:07 am
Entry tags:
[Mass Effect] lover where have you been
Title: lover where have you been (1436 words)
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Characters: Kaidan Alenko, Male Shepard (Mass Effect)
Additional Tags: Making Up, Developing Relationship
Summary:
Kaidan and Shepard used to be together. Now, on the other side of death and three years, they have to figure out how to move forward - or if they even want to.
Written for the 2022 round of![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
space_swap (AO3 collection).
There used to be many words Kaidan would’ve gladly described Shepard with – determined, confident, fearless, inspirational. Beautiful. But now, only one rings in his mind.
Infuriating.
Irritation is the main emotion he feels as they move through yet another Cerberus facility. When Kaidan asked to come back to the Normandy, he hadn't expected things to turn out like this. When he forces himself to be reasonable, he can tell that Shepard hadn’t either.
It had started out fine, is the thing. Beyond some ribbing from Joker and Garrus, no one had said anything about Kaidan’s… less than successful last meetings with the crew. Liara had welcomed him back with a hug, even. Him and Shepard had cautiously started to gain back some of their rapport, although by mutual unspoken agreement neither had tried to take things beyond friendship.
The problem had shown itself the first time they went on the ground together. Liara had been there too, and while he hadn’t expected it to be exactly like old times, it had still blindsided him how out of sync they were.
That they had vastly different approaches to tactics was hardly news to anyone, let alone Kaidan – where he is cautious and prefers taking the time to pick the best line of attack, Shepard is all snap decisions and instinct – but they had always found ways to work as one unit before. Now, Kaidan has to grit his teeth every time Shepard throws himself into a reckless charge at the nearest enemy (oftentimes very literally, what the hell) and scramble to cover him. Every other time Kaidan goes to execute a move with his biotics, Shepard stalls for half a moment and gets a surprised look on his face. They work, but it takes doing where it used to be easy as breathing. It’s like they’re both just a step out of touch with the other, and it’s just enough to keep them on edge.
It’s not like on Mars – then, the main thing standing between them had been Cereberus and Shepard’s dubious acquaintance with them. Now, it’s all personal history.
Things finally come to a head when a Centurion almost gets Kaidan. It’s a close call, and the only reason he doesn’t die a stupid death is due to Garrus’ shout and Shepard physically throwing himself on the enemy and taking them out.
Kaidan lowers his rifle down, heart beating so loud he half expects someone to comment on it.
Shit.
After a moment, Shepard sheathes his weapon and straightens up.
“That was the last one,” he says, face an inscrutable mask. “Cortez?”
“Coming to pick you up, Commander.”
“You good?” Kaidan looks up to find Garrus looking at him, concern evident on his face.
“Yeah. Just a close call, don’t worry.”
The way his mandibles flicker and the long look he takes between him and Shepard says Garrus doesn’t exactly buy it, but he doesn’t call Kaidan on it either, just nods and moves along.
Good thing too, since Kaidan isn’t sure what answer he’d have for him.
The silence in the shuttle bay is deafening. Or maybe that’s just how it feels to Kaidan. Either way, no one says anything as Shepard strips off his hardsuit at record speed and disappears in the elevator.
It’s not until Garrus touches his shoulder and he hears the sound of talons on armor that Kaidan realizes he’s been frozen in place, staring at nothing, only halfway out of his gear.
“Kaidan…”
“Leave it be, Garrus,” Kaidan snaps, wincing internally at the sharp sound of his voice.
Regardless, he still shrugs him off, not in the mood for talking or questions, and quickly deposes himself of his gear. For once in his life, he doesn’t take care with it, too anxious to get out of the strained atmosphere.
As the elevator doors close behind him, he hears Vega’s voice cut through the silence.
“What the hell happened down there?”
Good question, Kaidan thinks and is thankful that he doesn’t hear Garrus' reply.
Kaidan intends to hit the showers and maybe settle down with something to read in the lounge. Collect his thoughts, figure out what to say to Shepard, because this can’t continue.
What he actually does is:
As the elevator comes to a stop on the crew deck, Kaidan is hit with the impulse to just say fuck it and go to Shepard right now. So instead of getting out, he hits the button for the Commander’s cabin.
“Major,” EDI says as soon as he does that, startling him. “Shepard has asked to not be disturbed unless it’s an emergency.”
Of course he did. “I have to talk to him, EDI.” When that gets him only silence, he continues. He’s well aware she could simply refuse to let him go up, if she so wants. “If he tells me to go, I’ll leave it be, but things can’t continue like this and you know it.” Kaidan isn’t laboring under any illusions that the rest of the crew hasn’t noticed how things are between them, least of all the ever-watching, ever-present ship AI.
After a moment, the elevator starts moving. “Very well, Kaidan.” She doesn’t say anything else but she doesn’t have to.
As soon as he steps out, he’s hit with self doubt. What is he doing? He doesn’t even know what there is to say, let alone how to say it.
But he doesn’t get a chance to decide on another course of action because a moment later, Shepard’s door whooshes open. Of course, EDI must have told him Kaidan was coming.
For several seconds they just stand there, looking at each other, silent.
Shepard is the one to speak first. “Well, come on in.”
Kaidan just mutely nods, finding himself lost for words. He can’t read Shepard’s face at all and doesn’t that feel like a gutpunch.
Being inside doesn’t make things any less awkward.
Kaidan finds himself looking around the cabin because looking at Shepard proves to be too much. And he can’t stop himself from commenting on the, frankly, borderline luxurious surroundings.
“This is certainly an upgrade from the SR-1,” he says, noticing how it sounds exactly like nervous chatter when he doesn’t want it to. “I mean, wow, that’s an actual aquarium.”
Finally, Shepard makes an expression. Just a tiny uptick of his lips, but it counts. “Yeah. Civilians, you know? And Joker has informed me that the leather seats in the pilot’s cabin are to die for.”
Kaidan lets out a chuckle at that, but it quickly tapers off and the loaded silence returns.
He grimaces, a little. Before they could simply exist around each other in complete silence and find it peaceful. Now, the tension between them feels like it would take an army of krogan to cut.
“That can’t happen again,” Shepard says eventually.
With a grimace, Kaidan agrees. “Yeah. But…”
“But.” Shepard nods. Breathing in, he says, “Look, Kaidan,” but clamps down almost immediately. And, finally, a crack appears. Frustration.
Kaidan has to bite his lip to stop himself from telling him to drop it. They have to get this out in the open and deal with it. Another incident like that could turn fatal. The war is too important, and Shepard is too vital to it, for their personal issues to get in the way.
“I know things have been… weird, with everything that’s happened. And we haven’t really had the time to figure out where we stand. I want things to be okay between us. I’m sorry if this is overstepping, but I– I want to go back to how things were before.”
“I want that too, Shepard,” Kaidan replies and winces when it comes out way raspier than he wanted it to. He clears his throat and looks Shepard in the eye, trying to convey all his sincerity.
“I miss you,” Shepard admits, voice going as small as it ever does. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
“I miss you too,” Kaidan says around the ache in his chest. “I don’t think we’re ever going to be the same people as back then, but I think we can work on having something new now.”
Shepard visibly relaxes and Kaidan can do nothing but mirror him.
It's still immensely relieving when Shepard opens his mouth and says, with that familiar intensity of his, “Yes. If you'd like to try, I would too.”
Kaidan finds himself smiling.
“Yes. Of course.”
He feels like a weight has been lifted off him. They're going to have to work at it, but it's a start.
That’s all they need.
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Mass Effect Trilogy
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Characters: Kaidan Alenko, Male Shepard (Mass Effect)
Additional Tags: Making Up, Developing Relationship
Summary:
Kaidan and Shepard used to be together. Now, on the other side of death and three years, they have to figure out how to move forward - or if they even want to.
Written for the 2022 round of
space_swap (AO3 collection).There used to be many words Kaidan would’ve gladly described Shepard with – determined, confident, fearless, inspirational. Beautiful. But now, only one rings in his mind.
Infuriating.
Irritation is the main emotion he feels as they move through yet another Cerberus facility. When Kaidan asked to come back to the Normandy, he hadn't expected things to turn out like this. When he forces himself to be reasonable, he can tell that Shepard hadn’t either.
It had started out fine, is the thing. Beyond some ribbing from Joker and Garrus, no one had said anything about Kaidan’s… less than successful last meetings with the crew. Liara had welcomed him back with a hug, even. Him and Shepard had cautiously started to gain back some of their rapport, although by mutual unspoken agreement neither had tried to take things beyond friendship.
The problem had shown itself the first time they went on the ground together. Liara had been there too, and while he hadn’t expected it to be exactly like old times, it had still blindsided him how out of sync they were.
That they had vastly different approaches to tactics was hardly news to anyone, let alone Kaidan – where he is cautious and prefers taking the time to pick the best line of attack, Shepard is all snap decisions and instinct – but they had always found ways to work as one unit before. Now, Kaidan has to grit his teeth every time Shepard throws himself into a reckless charge at the nearest enemy (oftentimes very literally, what the hell) and scramble to cover him. Every other time Kaidan goes to execute a move with his biotics, Shepard stalls for half a moment and gets a surprised look on his face. They work, but it takes doing where it used to be easy as breathing. It’s like they’re both just a step out of touch with the other, and it’s just enough to keep them on edge.
It’s not like on Mars – then, the main thing standing between them had been Cereberus and Shepard’s dubious acquaintance with them. Now, it’s all personal history.
Things finally come to a head when a Centurion almost gets Kaidan. It’s a close call, and the only reason he doesn’t die a stupid death is due to Garrus’ shout and Shepard physically throwing himself on the enemy and taking them out.
Kaidan lowers his rifle down, heart beating so loud he half expects someone to comment on it.
Shit.
After a moment, Shepard sheathes his weapon and straightens up.
“That was the last one,” he says, face an inscrutable mask. “Cortez?”
“Coming to pick you up, Commander.”
“You good?” Kaidan looks up to find Garrus looking at him, concern evident on his face.
“Yeah. Just a close call, don’t worry.”
The way his mandibles flicker and the long look he takes between him and Shepard says Garrus doesn’t exactly buy it, but he doesn’t call Kaidan on it either, just nods and moves along.
Good thing too, since Kaidan isn’t sure what answer he’d have for him.
The silence in the shuttle bay is deafening. Or maybe that’s just how it feels to Kaidan. Either way, no one says anything as Shepard strips off his hardsuit at record speed and disappears in the elevator.
It’s not until Garrus touches his shoulder and he hears the sound of talons on armor that Kaidan realizes he’s been frozen in place, staring at nothing, only halfway out of his gear.
“Kaidan…”
“Leave it be, Garrus,” Kaidan snaps, wincing internally at the sharp sound of his voice.
Regardless, he still shrugs him off, not in the mood for talking or questions, and quickly deposes himself of his gear. For once in his life, he doesn’t take care with it, too anxious to get out of the strained atmosphere.
As the elevator doors close behind him, he hears Vega’s voice cut through the silence.
“What the hell happened down there?”
Good question, Kaidan thinks and is thankful that he doesn’t hear Garrus' reply.
Kaidan intends to hit the showers and maybe settle down with something to read in the lounge. Collect his thoughts, figure out what to say to Shepard, because this can’t continue.
What he actually does is:
As the elevator comes to a stop on the crew deck, Kaidan is hit with the impulse to just say fuck it and go to Shepard right now. So instead of getting out, he hits the button for the Commander’s cabin.
“Major,” EDI says as soon as he does that, startling him. “Shepard has asked to not be disturbed unless it’s an emergency.”
Of course he did. “I have to talk to him, EDI.” When that gets him only silence, he continues. He’s well aware she could simply refuse to let him go up, if she so wants. “If he tells me to go, I’ll leave it be, but things can’t continue like this and you know it.” Kaidan isn’t laboring under any illusions that the rest of the crew hasn’t noticed how things are between them, least of all the ever-watching, ever-present ship AI.
After a moment, the elevator starts moving. “Very well, Kaidan.” She doesn’t say anything else but she doesn’t have to.
As soon as he steps out, he’s hit with self doubt. What is he doing? He doesn’t even know what there is to say, let alone how to say it.
But he doesn’t get a chance to decide on another course of action because a moment later, Shepard’s door whooshes open. Of course, EDI must have told him Kaidan was coming.
For several seconds they just stand there, looking at each other, silent.
Shepard is the one to speak first. “Well, come on in.”
Kaidan just mutely nods, finding himself lost for words. He can’t read Shepard’s face at all and doesn’t that feel like a gutpunch.
Being inside doesn’t make things any less awkward.
Kaidan finds himself looking around the cabin because looking at Shepard proves to be too much. And he can’t stop himself from commenting on the, frankly, borderline luxurious surroundings.
“This is certainly an upgrade from the SR-1,” he says, noticing how it sounds exactly like nervous chatter when he doesn’t want it to. “I mean, wow, that’s an actual aquarium.”
Finally, Shepard makes an expression. Just a tiny uptick of his lips, but it counts. “Yeah. Civilians, you know? And Joker has informed me that the leather seats in the pilot’s cabin are to die for.”
Kaidan lets out a chuckle at that, but it quickly tapers off and the loaded silence returns.
He grimaces, a little. Before they could simply exist around each other in complete silence and find it peaceful. Now, the tension between them feels like it would take an army of krogan to cut.
“That can’t happen again,” Shepard says eventually.
With a grimace, Kaidan agrees. “Yeah. But…”
“But.” Shepard nods. Breathing in, he says, “Look, Kaidan,” but clamps down almost immediately. And, finally, a crack appears. Frustration.
Kaidan has to bite his lip to stop himself from telling him to drop it. They have to get this out in the open and deal with it. Another incident like that could turn fatal. The war is too important, and Shepard is too vital to it, for their personal issues to get in the way.
“I know things have been… weird, with everything that’s happened. And we haven’t really had the time to figure out where we stand. I want things to be okay between us. I’m sorry if this is overstepping, but I– I want to go back to how things were before.”
“I want that too, Shepard,” Kaidan replies and winces when it comes out way raspier than he wanted it to. He clears his throat and looks Shepard in the eye, trying to convey all his sincerity.
“I miss you,” Shepard admits, voice going as small as it ever does. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
“I miss you too,” Kaidan says around the ache in his chest. “I don’t think we’re ever going to be the same people as back then, but I think we can work on having something new now.”
Shepard visibly relaxes and Kaidan can do nothing but mirror him.
It's still immensely relieving when Shepard opens his mouth and says, with that familiar intensity of his, “Yes. If you'd like to try, I would too.”
Kaidan finds himself smiling.
“Yes. Of course.”
He feels like a weight has been lifted off him. They're going to have to work at it, but it's a start.
That’s all they need.